Histori Personale

I never wanted to have children, but the pandemic changed my mind

I never wanted to have children, but the pandemic changed my mind

I should have been in college when I had a brief history of "friends with benefits" and from this relationship I got pregnant. I saw how in a few weeks my waist was expanding and I decided not only to terminate the pregnancy, but never to have children again.

When you are in your 20s and go out on dates, you can not open parenting and child topics. But in your 30s you are ok to discuss these topics.

I had been dating a guy named Brian for two months when he told me: Technically I am not divorced yet. And I answered, and I technically do not want children.

To be honest, I realized that Brian did not react to his reservations. Otherwise he would have said a word. I think he was waiting for another moment. He was very open about any topic to me except his divorce and the issue of the child I did not want to give birth to.

And I, who was enthusiastic about connecting with him, was waiting for a few weeks to mention him again.

So one day after I drank some alcohol I said: You do not really have a problem that I do not want children?

He did not say anything to me again because he was just as enthusiastic as I was about our relationship, but his mood swelled from that moment. Apparently, he saw his future as a father.

So we were two adults, in their mid-30s, who loved each other but wanted a different reality for our lives.

I felt guilty for him, he for me, why he could not get rid of the desire to have children.

My therapist told me that people make sacrifices for those they love.

"It has never been my dream to move to such a small town in France, but my husband got a job and I had to follow him," the therapist told me through a video call.

He did not mention this topic to me anymore, but I, every time we passed by a couple in a pram, I felt bad, I was tense.

Was Brian weaving this couple? Or with jealousy? It looked good, but was it really good. If a child in front of us was crying or doing any of those child scenes, I would say to myself: Thank you!

I went back to my therapist with a plan. I would find out this time why I did not want children. I had made that decision 15 years ago. Now I was a man different from what I was, in many ways.

What I realized is that there are no two versions of my life - there is one. I would not have imagined that our wedding would become small and masked. But here it became a pandemic. The pandemic taught me the issue my therapist had tried to overcome. I could not block myself with the worst case scenario. I had to live life the way it would come. To try for a child and when he grows up to become whatever he wants. I was constantly afraid that he might have problems, that he might follow a bad path. The pandemic taught me not to make predictions or plans.

Brian and I are now trying for a baby. I do not know if we will be successful. We will leave it to time…

* Huffingfton Post article adapted in Albanian by Tiranapost.al